Jana Misk

Some of these friends/lovers have actively resisted my urgings, while others have become grateful converts. One victim of my nagging did actually start seeing a therapist, but even after a few months (when he told me that he was going to "take a break" and see where he was after his newborn child was a bit older), he eyed me with some resentment and let me know that he just isn't the type of person to be in therapy indefinitely, digging around for problems that are not pressing like tumors on his brain.

As I've noted in my previous post, "How to Choose a Therapist," not all therapists are worth seeing indefinitely. Many, in fact, don't want to be seen indefinitely. And an even greater number aren't worth seeing at all, ever. (One of my friends, a new recruit to the Therapy Cult, had to switch therapists at her student clinic; her new therapist cancelled their first appointment because she had to go a barbecue: "free food" was her reason for bailing on a client she hadn't even met yet. Dealbreaker? I think so.)

But once you find a therapist you click with, it is a lot like falling in love, with all of the pitfalls and neuroses that come with it. In fact, they're basically the same pitfalls and neuroses. Do you have problems with commitment? Do you fail to communicate well? Is anger management not your strong suit? Are you an escapist or a workaholic? All of these things will arise between you and your therapist, but where your romantic relationships collapsed under the strain of all that personal baggage, your therapist is trained to not only withstand your crazy bullshit, but actually help you work through it.

The fact is that all that stuff is supposed to come up in any therapeutic relationship, but if you also have a special rapport with your therapist, the chances of your sticking around long enough to see the process of healing through are much higher.

Just like a lover, a therapist can seem to play many roles: parent, friend, punching bag, and, um, therapist. But whereas you are not necessarily encouraged to treat your lover like s/he's your parent, your therapist can take on this projection and then give it back to you, showing you how your perceptions of others and yourself might be distorted (and therefore straining your relationships and general ability to tolerate life), and how you can empower yourself to take responsibility for how you behave and how well you're taken care of by the people in your life.

I'm getting a bit abstract now. Therapy--provided you're seeing a therapist who is a good fit for you in terms of methods and personality--is a way of getting a new perspective on your own life, in short. And so, if you're feeling stuck--in your career, in your love life, with your family or friends, or just somewhere inside yourself that no one else has access to--therapy helps you get unstuck, and even teaches you how to unstick yourself in the future.

The stigma on therapy and people who take advantage of it continues to linger in our society--strangely, even more so than the much more recent glut of psychoactive medications (antidepressants, antianxiety meds) that are supposed to handle the exact same problems, but with none of the emphasis on personal responsibility or intelligence. Sure, these meds can help anyone with emotional and psychological difficulties; but the help of a good therapist alongside those pills provides the promise of a better way of life--one you've chosen and crafted yourself, not one created by mysterious (and still scientifically unexplained) changes in your brain chemistry. It seems more likely these days that people will consider pills before therapy. If procuring a prescription has ever crossed your mind, for any of the reasons that it crosses anyone's mind (it's certainly crossed mind, and I did entertain a brief, mostly pleasant affair with antianxiety pills), I encourage you to consider therapy too. Those strange, difficult thoughts and feelings that lodge themselves in our minds from time to time are not impossible for us to understand, much less remove; we just sometimes need the help of a professional who can hold the mirror up at the right angle so we can see what's going on.

if you're looking for a therapist, your best bet is to talk to a friend who's seeing someone s/he likes, and get a referral from that practitioner. If you don't know anyone who is in therapy, or who has a friend in the profession, you'll have to start your search blind; refer to my previous column and remember to trust your gut. Bonne chance!